Excerpts From a Diary: Hannah Abbott
by dashofnutmeg
Summary: Hannah Abbott deals with her feelings of loss several years after her soulmate was killed in the Second Wizarding War.


**Author Note:** This story is for QLFC Round 10

BEATER 1: Kill Them: Neville Longbottom

Optional Prompts: (word) impact, (setting) Astronomy Tower

Word Count: 1444

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Entry I

My name is Hannah Abbott and I have been a Healer in the Hospital Wing of Hogwarts for several years now-I think about 8? I suppose the exact number isn't important. I wanted to start this diary to have a place where I can write down the things I can't possibly talk about with others. I have a solid job with nice co-workers, a small but close group of friends, and even a fiancee who adores me, but somehow I cannot say that I am truly happy. Maybe if I write things down and try to sort them out it will help? It's worth a try.

I think my biggest sadness is for Neville Longbottom. He was a classmate of mine here at Hogwarts not so long ago when I was a stu

Entry II

I had to cut off my last entry so abruptly because I heard someone coming. I decided to do my writing in the Astronomy Tower because it is so often empty during the daytime, but I didn't know the new students would be getting a tour that day. How strange would it be for them to see a Healer writing in a diary in the Astronomy Tower? Best not to give anyone reasons to ask questions. Today is a new day and I have made certain nobody will be coming to the tower at all.

Back to the topic of Neville, he's the reason I wanted to be in the Astronomy Tower for writing this. I never told a soul, but he and I would sneak up here late at night to be together. I still can't believe we did that. Who could imagine me, a Prefect, sneaking out late at night to be with a boy? And one from another house, no less. But Neville had been sweet on me for several months and finally convinced me to meet him one night. I have to admit I had always found him a little cute, but the summer between our fourth and fifth years had really blessed him. He had the deepest brown eyes, and the way he looked at me with them made my stomach tie itself in knots that first night.

After that night (and our first kiss!) we would meet each other here at least every other night just to be with each other. I felt like I had found my soulmate, and even though we dared not tell any others about our relationship, I can't imagine that nobody at all suspected a thing.

And then, well, things got complicated. My mother was killed by Death Eaters during my sixth year at Hogwarts and I missed the whole rest of the year. Neville and I would send owls to one another occasionally but it wasn't the same. At the time the year was the saddest of my life. I was nearly hopeless.

That's all the time I have for now. Writing all of these thoughts down hasn't been easy and I don't think I can handle more of it today.

Entry III

It's been a week since the last entry and I'm not sure I was fully prepared for the feelings this would dredge up. Ernie (the fiancee I mentioned earlier) said I have been distant, and I feel it, too. But the only way out is through, so I pushed myself to come to the tower during lunch today and continue writing.

The year after my mom was killed I went back to Hogwarts, and it was great to see Neville again. He somehow managed to get even more handsome since the last I had seen him, and he had become quite a strong person. That year he helped to lead Dumbledore's Army, which I was proud to be a member of with him. We would still steal away to this tower to be together in the middle of the night, and sometimes even talked of what we would do in the future. He was certain He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be defeated and we could live a happy life together. Those nights in the tower with Neville were the only time I felt hope that year.

But in May all of my hope came crashing down. The war got worse and we had a battle at Hogwarts, but it was all such a blur. I only have one memory of that whole month: Harry Potter defeating the Dark Lord after he killed Neville. In truth I suppose I don't remember much about the second part of the memory, but it did happen. I was just too shocked at the loss of Neville to pay much attention after that. The Death Eaters were taken care of, I'm sure, but I can't remember any details of that. All of the hope Neville had brought into my life was gone and I was numb.

I am going to stop here before these memories make me feel even worse. I have to think of some way to cheer myself up before going home to Earnie tonight so things don't get worse with him. Writing in this diary was supposed to help our relationship, not hurt it.

Entry IV

I guess I have decided that once a week is all I can handle to bring up the past. It might take me longer to get through this, but I would rather that than have Ernie suspect anything. Ernie doesn't know the depth of my feelings for Neville so I have decided to keep this diary stowed away at work. When I'm not writing in it, I keep it hidden in the back of a seldom-used storage room in the Hospital Ward, protected with a spell so that only people who know the secret words will be able to read it.

My memory of the time after I lost Neville is still quite hazy. I had lost my soulmate and it was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. The impact was towering. What was worse was that I had nobody to talk about with it. Besides Neville (and maybe his gran?), the only person who knew of us had been my mother. I don't think I ever got to properly grieve for the loss.

I know that eventually I finished my schooling at Hogwarts and I became a healer. I applied for a position here in the Hospital Ward working with Poppy Pomfrey and was accepted. It still feels strange to call her Poppy rather than Madam, but she insists.

At some point I began hanging out with some of the other students who had become professors here at the school after graduation. That's how Ernie Macmillan and I reconnected, as he is now teaching Potions to first years. Ernie and I were both in Hufflepuff, we were both Prefects, and we shared a love for collecting chocolate frog cards, so naturally we had spent a lot of time together during our schooling. It was easy being with Ernie. We had been through the war together and he was a shoulder to cry on, even if he didn't fully understand the reason for my sadness.

After some time I realized I had become Ernie's girlfriend. He was always patient and never pushed for labels, but when he asked me to accompany him to his cousin's wedding one evening I knew it had become serious between us. The numbness had turned into pain and then faded to an occasional dull ache by then, and I realized that I loved Ernie. I'm not sure if I was in love with him, but I loved him.

Over time my relationship with Ernie has deepened, and last spring he proposed to me. Of course I said yes, but I can't help but wonder what life would be like today if Neville was still around. Undoubtedly I would be Hannah Longbottom by now, and maybe we would have kids. Neville always said he wanted at least 3 of them. I think being an only child must have been lonely at times. Ernie and I haven't talked about kids much but I know he will make a wonderful father. I really am lucky to have a guy like him by my side.

I think this is where I end my diary. I've gotten my thoughts down on paper and it has really helped me to get clarity. While I will always love Neville, I need to move forward with my life. I have decided to tell Ernie about the history between me and Neville. It wasn't fair to him that I kept everything bottled up inside for so long. I hope he will understand. Wish me luck!


End file.
